My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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