I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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