i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
We have started to decorate penises.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
