evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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