her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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