i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
