miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize