What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
