your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
