I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
