i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I will be naked everywhere
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
