I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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