He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
