just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
we should paint friendship bongs
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