That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
