He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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