Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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