so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
