he shaved USA in his pubs
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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