Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize