I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
