i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
my nose is crying tears of wow.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
