I faked an abortion last night.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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