I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
