If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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