I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
