Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
