I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
