we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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