i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
