i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
