we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize