just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
