its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
