just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
