His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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