Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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