Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
