genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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