oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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