I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
