I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
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