omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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