All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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