why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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