so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
