Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I had to cum in my sink.
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