I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Also, beer. Big fan.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
