i wish there were pregnant emoticons
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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