Banned from zoo.
Again?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
