Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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