i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
