woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I just found puke in my bra..
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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