and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
