OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
