Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize