I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
time to smoke my breakfast
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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