I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
