Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
