I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
