quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
