the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
