Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize