You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I AM VODKA MAN
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
