I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
