and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
We're too hungover to prance.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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