i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
