So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I just want nice things and good sex
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
