the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
this is an emotional support booty call
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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