did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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